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Who are the winners in the joke competition?

Lots of people entered our joke competition to win tickets to the zoo and reptile gift vouchers. In fact, when I looked and saw 118 entries, I thought this is going to be tough! Indeed it was, all I could do was pick those that me laugh.

They may not be the cleverest, or highest level of humour, but neither am I!

Well done winners… I will contact you shortly!

Winner of Zoo Tickets and £50 Voucher

Richard Merrey – A bloke starts a new job at the zoo, his first job is to feed the birds so he goes into the bird enclosure and starts pouring in the seeds when he takes a step back and hears a CRUNCH, he looks down and sees he has stood on a Zebra Finch, he panics and thinking he would lose his job he picks up the finch and throws it to the lions hoping they would eat it and he would get away with it,

He then carries on with his day and goes to feed the chimpanzees, again his clumsy ways catch up with him and he accidently trips and lands on a chimp killing it instantly, obviously panicing he scoops up the dead animal and again throws it to the lions and they devour his guilty secret leaving no evidence,

time to check on the bees, he goes in and starts checking the hive, whilst gathering honey he notices a bee in his suit, startled he begins running around and shaking trying to get rid of it, the bee finally gets out and the man relaxes, but looking around he sees he has trodden on many bees so scooping them up he heads towards the lion enclosure and throws the dead bees in, the lions devour them quite quickly.

Next day a new Lion is bought into the zoo, he goes in and meets the other lions, they chat and play for a while and then the new lion asks one of the others about the food, “well” says the other lion “I have never been fed so well, yesterday we were fed so well, we had FINCH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!!”

10 Runner Ups Winning £10 Voucher

1. David Blades – What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.

2. Sarah – How can you tell when you’re a herper? When you know that a ‘boid’ isn’t a New York pigeon.

3. Rob Garrison – A duck walks into a bar and says ‘hello barman, you got any bread?’

The barman replies ‘sorry duck me old son, we dont sell bread, only beer and nuts.’ No worries, thanks anyway!’ says the duck and he’s on his way.

The next day, duck walks back into the bar and says ‘hello barman, you got any bread?’

The barman again replies ‘sorry duck me old son, we dont sell bread, only beer and nuts!’ No worries, thanks anyway!’ says the duck and he’s on his way.

The next day, duck walks back into the bar and says ‘hello barman, you got any bread?’

The barman, now slightly confused replies ‘duck, we dont sell bread, only beer and nuts!’ No worries, thanks anyway!’ says the duck and he’s on his way.

The next day, duck walks back into the bar and says ‘hello barman, you got any bread?’

The barman, now proper hacked off replies ‘DUCK, WE DONT SELL ANY BREAD, ONLY BEER AND NUTS. IF YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME, I’LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!’ ‘Alright, chill out, thanks anyway!’ says the duck and he’s on his way.

The next day, duck walks back into the bar and says ‘hello barman, you got any nails?’ ‘NO!’ shouts the barman. ‘Right then,’ says duck, ‘got any bread!’

4. Dominic – What goes dot dot dot croak ? Morse toad.

5. Ben R – Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you” – said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes” said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence” answered the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burgler. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot’s answer: “The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus.”

6. Liamh1991 – A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster!

7. Chris James Flowers – A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!”

8. Mariamuk26 – A man goes to a Bee keeper and asks, ” can I have 10 bees because i want to start my own hive” so the Beekeeper gives him a jar with the Bees in..The man examines the jar, and says “you have given me 11 Bees!” To which the Beekeeper replies “I know! One of them is a Freebee!”

9. Robin – How do you get two whales in a mini? Down the M4!

10. Matt Cottrell – A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says “Hey Koala ! what are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

So the koala looks down at him and says:

“CRIKEY MATE!…….how much water did you drink?!!”

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